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You don’t provide your email address to view what’s on the site. I’m sure the porn industry has similar products – newsletters, subscription sites, discussion forums – requiring an email address to gain access.You can view all the pages you want here on , and I have no idea who you are. (And I do want to, which is why I ask you to sign up for my newsletter. And yes, once you give them your email address, they will probably start sending you email.But he agrees if Lily was chatting to a man online, he’d feel betrayed unless she brought the fantasy into their relationship, which would mean it was no longer her fantasy, but theirs. ‘She doesn’t view it as valid any more, she doesn’t understand the importance of the erotic dimension inour relationship,’ he says.

(For the record, I do not.) And some or all of that might look like spam, including porn spam.

But just surfing web sites – and doing so with appropriate anti-malware precautions and common sense – doesn’t give them the information to email you at all.

I invite Lily to consider that what excites Dan is precisely that the women in his fantasies are not real.

It is the very absence of psychological complexity that fuels his arousal.

But it also serves a purpose of reassurance against male insecurities, sexual and otherwise. They don’t thwart him and he never feels inadequate, because they’re in a state of ecstatic bliss that’s entirely his doing. Dan isn’t particularly welcoming of the idea that his porn habit may be related to sexual insecurity.

Women in most porn films neutralise male vulnerability, as they’re always responsive and fully satisfied. But he identifies with the need for an emotion-free zone where sex can be raw and unencumbered, and where all vulnerabilities, inadequacies and dependencies – his and hers – might be temporarily suspended.

Dan is 49, and a TV producer; Lily, 42, is an art director. ‘Is the problem that I masturbate or that I look at porn? ‘It’s far less risky to get off over some actress than to fantasise about my 28-year-old secretary bending over my desk.’ Dan feels – and acts – like a 14-year-old boy who’s been caught.

Dan doesn’t want to have an affair, but for Lily, Dan’s porn habit feels as bad as infidelity. But Dan laments her disconnection from her own sexuality.

Lily has accidentally discovered pornography on her husband Dan’s computer, and she’s furious. Rather, ‘it’s one with yourself.’ Whereas with the secretary at work, say, there is a more active engagement with the fantasy; it is more transgressive, more real, a more concrete seductive fantasy that could become reality. Now she attributes her resistance to domestic worries.

‘I feel betrayed, you’re cheating on me.’ This is swiftly followed by a barrage of personal attacks. He sees it as a carefully chosen stimulation – a generic woman comes at you, and ‘you don’t project anything on the woman; porn provides the fantasy for you.’ His fantasy isn’t about her – there’s no emotional involvement. What about massages with ‘happy endings’, strip clubs, prostitutes, or an affair? Or does he find something in cyberspace that’s uniquely compelling? He admits that as a man who sees himself as a constant pleaser in his life, he gets off on scenes of submissive women who surrender to his will. Before they had children, Lily did indulge in Dan’s fantasies.

Heterosexual pornography, mostly produced by and for men, concerns itself with ‘low emotion, high-intensity sex’.

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